Yesterday marked 3 months since I finally chose myself. To say the last couple of months has been hard would be an understatement, but although it has been really challenging, I feel more peace than I have ever felt before. My experience with a narcissist and drug addict made me learn a lot of really hard lessons:
If it doesn't feel right, it isn't:
That uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach is there for a reason - don't ignore it. It is your body telling you that something does not feel right. Your body does not lie - listen to it and let it protect you from 'danger'. If someone gives you mixed messages and makes you question yourself and their intentions, walk away. You do not have to try to decode their messages.
You do not have to force yourself to be okay with anything:
You also do not need to make yourself be okay with certain things - some behaviour is inexcusable and cannot be justified. Cheating, intimidation, manipulation and gaslighting are never okay. You do not have to change your way of thinking or compromise your values to make room for this - do not tolerate people's bad behaviour.
I am capable of looking after myself - I can trust myself to what is right for me:
After spending so long having lots of different people question my actions, opinions and more, I started to not trust myself to make good choices. I began questioning whether or not I was being 'shady' and I started to really struggle to make my own decisions. Over time I became super indecisive and relied on other people to make even simple decisions, such as what cafe to meet at or what to eat.
The people who have the best intentions will be the ones who are there for the 'good' and the 'bad' times:
Sometimes, people will only be around for the good times, but when times get bad run for the hills. Someone who I thought I was very close to me, turned a very negative situation around and blamed me for having a voice. This probably hurt more than what I went through with my ex but I can now look at it with a more positive light and see it for what it is - I dodged a bullet. There had been so many issues with our friendship over the years and for once I finally stood up for myself. He did not react kindly to this and so I realised that he came into my life for a reason.
The good people are doing the best they can:
You can't blame those that care for you for not caring for you 100% in the way that you need at the time. They do not intend to hurt you - what hurts is that they did not meet your expectations. For a multitude of reasons, some people are unable to meet your expectations and so it is important that you do not 'expect' people to do things. For example, I think it is completely valid to expect people to treat you with respect but sometimes, it is not realistic to expect someone to answer your calls when you first break up with an ex. They also have their lives and are also going through their own journeys. When it comes down to it, it is also very important to have your own back and to be your own best friend.
Growing up is hard:
When I was younger, all I wanted to do was grow up and be independent. Although I love living on my own and I still think it was the best decision for me, learning to stand on my own two feet has been challenging. Coming home to an empty apartment can at times feel really lonely; you miss living at home and being a kid. In these times, you ring them and you go over and it is nostalgic. You remember all the good old times fondly but know that this is your life now. Part of growing up is becoming your own person and creating your own life. Your family will always be there.
Life is so good:
After leaving an abusive relationship, I really struggled to see the good in the world. I thought everyone was out to get me and that everyone at the end of the day had bad intentions. But the hopeful part of me knows that this is not true - because at the end of the day, I have a good heart and I am not the only person in the world with one. Thinking that would be incredibly selfish and close-minded of me. There is so much in the world to explore and do. I want to see it all. Life is so good; people are so good.
I am so grateful for all the positive and negative experiences and people that have shaped me into the independent and resilient woman that I am today. I appreciate all my friends and family so much more now than I ever have and I am really flourishing as a result of finally being in control of my own environment and my life. There is so much life again, so much life. And I can't wait to live all of it.
Thursday, 2 July 2020
Monday, 8 April 2019
London (Part 1) - 28/12/2018
The trip started out a little rocky because silly me packed all her things but forgot to bring her expensive winter jacket Mum bought her! We were near Templestowe when I realised and it instantly caused me so much panic! I had so many images in my mind of missing the plane but actually got through surprisingly quickly! Too quick - it was super scary leaving my family at the airport and walking through myself. Little did I know how much I would have changed when I reunited with them a month later.
After two really long flights, I arrived in London at 11am! When we began to make our descent, I made sure to take lots of photos as I remembered Mum telling me not to forget to! Customs was a huge pain in the butt as it took me two hours to get through but thankfully Bez waited for me in the airport so we could travel to the Generator hostel together. I distinctly remember standing in line at the airport feeling extremely anxious and lightheaded - I think it was equal parts feeling sick, being super jetlagged and also very anxious about the unknown.
After two really long flights, I arrived in London at 11am! When we began to make our descent, I made sure to take lots of photos as I remembered Mum telling me not to forget to! Customs was a huge pain in the butt as it took me two hours to get through but thankfully Bez waited for me in the airport so we could travel to the Generator hostel together. I distinctly remember standing in line at the airport feeling extremely anxious and lightheaded - I think it was equal parts feeling sick, being super jetlagged and also very anxious about the unknown.
My first impression of Bez was that she seemed like such a nice and quiet person (somewhat true - Bez is amazingly beautiful and genuine and has a fire for standing up for what is right). It was really exciting going with Bez to buy a sim card and an oyster card - that was the moment it really set in that I was overseas!
When we were on the train the first thing I noticed was that it was not busy at all! There were a few people on the train, one of which I hit with my bags, but it was not what I expected at all (London after the trip changed this for me!). Walking to the hostel after we got off the train was super surreal. Not only did I feel super out of it because of being sick and jetlagged, but it still hadn't fully set in that I was about to meet everyone and start a topdeck tour. The building that still stands out in my mind is the St Pancras Station building - it was the first example to me of a building unlike anything I had ever seen in Australia! Thinking back on it now, I find it kind of funny to think Bez was worried about wasting her data using Google Maps - considering where we went and what we did on the trip, it is a wonder she didn't lose all her data during the rest of the trip! I remember feeling a little bad because although I had been excited for the trip, I was not as prepared as Bez - she had literally memorised the route to the hostel beforehand.
The walk from Kings Cross to the hostel was so overwhelming. This was a walk I experienced very differently at the end of the tour when I was exploring London on my own. It still astounds me how differently both experiences in London were and how different I was in general. I don't remember it being cold outside but I do remember feeling super hot. Next time I go on a plane, I am definitely not dressing for my destination as airports are so stuffy!
I barely remember actually getting to the hostel but I do remember getting to my room and feeling super paranoid and overwhelmed. My poor roommates must have thought I was a nut case. We had good conversations in the time I was there and they gave me advice on how to pack and what Topdeck tours are like in general. I remember standing there thinking "fudge, how have some of these people travelled by themselves for months on end?!". By the end of the trip, I understood how! Using the shower at the Generator was interesting...the cubicles were so small and there was no where to put your clothes so everything got wet. I really struggled to adapt to the unfamiliar environment I was in but this was something I got really good at as the trip continued.
Rather than meeting up with everyone at the pub, I ended up having a two hour nap before going to the Cauldron with the girls. Bez must have thought I was a nutcase but she was nice enough to come back to get me after my nap! Even though The Cauldron was awesome, a part of me wishes that I wasn't as hung over and sick. They let me make non-alcoholic versions of the drinks and I felt like a little kid using the wand to open up the box to get the instructions. The woman was also super cool and very helpful! I worked with Freyja to make the drinks - they tasted really good! It was definitely magical! It still feels like yesterday I was here - it is the weirdest feeling, seeing as it has been more than three months!
The trip that changed my life
This past December and January I embarked on a month long trip around Europe and I completely underestimated the impact it would have on my life. Not only was exploring 11 different countries overseas with a bunch of strangers an eye-opening and powerful experience, but it was also the happiest I have ever been. Everyday since I got back I have missed travelling overseas as well as truly missed the amazing friends I made along the way. Although the experience is something I hold very close to my heart, it is beginning to feel like a distant memory and so I have chosen to document it on here, country by country. Below are just some of the many photos I took with the other Topdeckers during the trip :)
New Years Eve in Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland with some of the very best!
Bez, Steph and I sipping on some very delicious Swiss hot chocolate after visiting Jungfrau Joch
 |
| Selfie with a random snowman outside a restaurant in Florence! |
I was in awe of all the Christmas decorations still up! This photo does not do justice just how beautiful the tree was. Florence is my favourite Italian city <3
Obligatory Trevi Fountain selfie with Steph in Rome!
Visiting a country within a country (Vatican City) with Steph and Jaz
Even though it was absolutely freezing, visiting the fortress in Salzburg, Austria highlighted the sheer beauty of Europe. I fell in love with Salzburg.
Gotta get that camera angle with Hannah and Jaz!
After a long stroll around the fortress we had hot chocolates in Salzburg.
Ready for the Viennese Chamber Orchestra in Vienna, Austria. #posers <3
Candid shots of Bez and I walking through a little Christmas market in Budapest (Courtesy of Jaz)
"Never let me go Jack (Bec)!"
Experiencing the Night Life of Krakow with Kat
Hungover in Krakow with Jaz and the guys!
Surreal moment standing in front of the John Lennon wall with some of the gang (Steph, Jaz, Bez and Hannah)
Gotta get that chai in before hitting the Night Life in Prague with the girls (Jaz, Hannah and Ruby)!
Waiting for our traditional dutch pancakes after having visited the Anne Frank House (Hannah, Steph, Kendell, Sammy and Kim)
Last cruise together in Amsterdam :( God I love these girls!
Last selfie together - it does not look it but I had waaay too much wine!
I don't think these girls will ever understand how much they impacted my life. During the trip, I grew and evolved so much - it completely changed my life <3
Friday, 7 September 2018
I Am Finally Proud Of The Person I Am Becoming
Since having lots of time to think due to being sick, I have come to realise that over the past couple of years I have really half-assed both my mental, physical and emotional health. I remember saying things like "I am trying really hard" but making countless Pinterest collages of positive quotes just won't cut it. This year has been one of the hardest years yet for a variety of reasons. Unlike 'old me', I have taken a lot of risks that at the time I did not know were risks. I began making a lot of big decisions for myself rather than constantly worrying about whether my choices were bringing other people happiness.
A relationship that I had previously thought would last forever ended. This was my decision and although at the time I handled the situation poorly, I now realise this had to happen. I also jumped in to a relationship with someone from my past and through this very short period, I realised that I had changed so much. This 'fling' was not what I thought it would be and he did not make me happy at all. This also ended by me and I was so proud of myself for it. Although I hate the thought of hurting people, I love the person these experiences transformed me into. I began to realise that I do not need anyone to make me happy and I yearned to be single and live my life for me. That was the first time I had ever thought like that - it was unfamiliar but I was very excited.
I also decided to book a Topdeck tour for the end of the year. Travelling is something I have always loved but I always used money as an excuse. After the breakups, I felt empowered and I began to think "what happens if I die tomorrow? My money saved won't mean a thing." Fast forward a week and I had paid my $200 deposit and began organising it. I am beyond excited for this at the end of the year! Previously, I did not think I would have the chance to do this because I was so focused on thinking of what made my past partners happy.
Towards the start of the year I experienced romantic heart break but nothing prepared me for the heart break that was to come. On 27th July, my baby boy passed away. I got a call at work from my mum saying he had cancer and that we had to put him down the next day. That Thursday and Friday were hands down the worst days of my life so far. Although now I know grief is a normal, I had only ever experienced it on that occasion and also when my other dog passed away last year. The pain I felt when he was put down I could not deal with. I completely shut down and disassociated myself from what had happened. It is still something that I struggle to think about and I am still working on coping strategies for dealing with it. This experience really taught me to appreciate your loved ones and never take them for granted. I spend more time playing with my cats and making sure they are happy.
Anyone who knows me will know I suck at being sick. I am the worst person to be around because although I hate to complain, I become really anxious and talk about my symptoms all day everyday. Although I know it is not helpful, I get so anxious that something bad will happen and so I try to mentally prepare myself. Since being diagnosed with Glandular Fever and having no choice but to stop and rest, it has given me the opportunity to reevaluate everything. I have watched a lot of The Originals and something that was said really resonated with me (I have forgotten who said it). It was about constantly being on the defence and fighting your inner demons but never actually stopping to think what you are fighting for. It made me think: What Am I Fighting For? I just want to be happy. Since then, I decided to work harder at making this happen - I am really trying to practise self-care and love and listen to my body. This year, although I was eating clean and training hard at the gym, I stopped looking after myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Anyone who knows me would also know that I have an obsessive personality and so I feel like making intentions and focusing on taking care of myself is much more important and beneficial than being obsessed in the gym. I have had to change my perspective and I am so excited to see how this goes.
A couple of weeks ago I asked one of my friends how they thought I had changed this year. She told me I have more of a 'go get em' ' attitude and that I strive to attain what I want out of life more. I have also come to realise that for the first time in forever, I like who I am and I have become very protective of myself. I want to stay single and live my life - I don't want to let anyone get in the way of me living my dreams and I know this is my time to be selfish and live for myself.
A relationship that I had previously thought would last forever ended. This was my decision and although at the time I handled the situation poorly, I now realise this had to happen. I also jumped in to a relationship with someone from my past and through this very short period, I realised that I had changed so much. This 'fling' was not what I thought it would be and he did not make me happy at all. This also ended by me and I was so proud of myself for it. Although I hate the thought of hurting people, I love the person these experiences transformed me into. I began to realise that I do not need anyone to make me happy and I yearned to be single and live my life for me. That was the first time I had ever thought like that - it was unfamiliar but I was very excited.
I also decided to book a Topdeck tour for the end of the year. Travelling is something I have always loved but I always used money as an excuse. After the breakups, I felt empowered and I began to think "what happens if I die tomorrow? My money saved won't mean a thing." Fast forward a week and I had paid my $200 deposit and began organising it. I am beyond excited for this at the end of the year! Previously, I did not think I would have the chance to do this because I was so focused on thinking of what made my past partners happy.
Towards the start of the year I experienced romantic heart break but nothing prepared me for the heart break that was to come. On 27th July, my baby boy passed away. I got a call at work from my mum saying he had cancer and that we had to put him down the next day. That Thursday and Friday were hands down the worst days of my life so far. Although now I know grief is a normal, I had only ever experienced it on that occasion and also when my other dog passed away last year. The pain I felt when he was put down I could not deal with. I completely shut down and disassociated myself from what had happened. It is still something that I struggle to think about and I am still working on coping strategies for dealing with it. This experience really taught me to appreciate your loved ones and never take them for granted. I spend more time playing with my cats and making sure they are happy.
Anyone who knows me will know I suck at being sick. I am the worst person to be around because although I hate to complain, I become really anxious and talk about my symptoms all day everyday. Although I know it is not helpful, I get so anxious that something bad will happen and so I try to mentally prepare myself. Since being diagnosed with Glandular Fever and having no choice but to stop and rest, it has given me the opportunity to reevaluate everything. I have watched a lot of The Originals and something that was said really resonated with me (I have forgotten who said it). It was about constantly being on the defence and fighting your inner demons but never actually stopping to think what you are fighting for. It made me think: What Am I Fighting For? I just want to be happy. Since then, I decided to work harder at making this happen - I am really trying to practise self-care and love and listen to my body. This year, although I was eating clean and training hard at the gym, I stopped looking after myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Anyone who knows me would also know that I have an obsessive personality and so I feel like making intentions and focusing on taking care of myself is much more important and beneficial than being obsessed in the gym. I have had to change my perspective and I am so excited to see how this goes.
A couple of weeks ago I asked one of my friends how they thought I had changed this year. She told me I have more of a 'go get em' ' attitude and that I strive to attain what I want out of life more. I have also come to realise that for the first time in forever, I like who I am and I have become very protective of myself. I want to stay single and live my life - I don't want to let anyone get in the way of me living my dreams and I know this is my time to be selfish and live for myself.
Saturday, 14 July 2018
Lessons of 2018
Breaking up with someone is not always a bad thing. In line with this, being single is an opportunity for self-growth, development and evaluation. As a result of two break ups with people who did not treat with me as I deserve, it has really highlighted to me that I deserve me. At first, I thought admitting this was selfish but it is true. No one deserves to be lied to and no one deserves to be sexually objectified. Through this very emotionally challenging period, I have begun to remember what I actually look for in a partner and from this moment on, I am going to stand by this rather than settle for anything less. The expectations you have of another person, in terms of how they should treat you, are a direct indicator of the level of self-respect you have for yourself. If you allow for another human being to treat you negatively, this is a representation of the self-respect you have for yourself.
Making big decisions is never easy but once you begin working out exactly what you want, making them becomes easier. I thought that next year I had to be a full-time teacher but in my heart, this is not what I want yet. I want to continue being a Teachers Aide and to travel. Next year, I want to live more of my life and continue working on my own development. My Masters is also something I want to complete next year and so this will also be my focus.
Every year one of my goals was to stop over-thinking. Although this is still something I am trying to work on, I have begun to realise that sometimes I over-think for a reason. Sometimes it is my gut telling me that something is not entirely right. Rather than telling myself that this is a bad habit that should be stopped, maybe I should sit there for a bit and actually think about the reasons I am over-analysing something. This has been the case for the past two relationships I have had. I continued getting angry at myself for constantly overthinking but at the end of the day both people were not giving me anything else to work with. I cannot ignore what is.
Having a set plan is not the be all and end all of your life. I used to think that I wanted to be living on my own and married by 25 but this has completely changed. I want to travel the world and if I think realistically about this, is having a mortgage actually appropriate if I am not actually in the country? No. As for having children and being married, I have faith that this will happen when the time is right. I cannot make the time 'right' nor can I force these things to happen. I have learned that if I try to do this, it will not work out in the long run. 99% of the time, it will also be done so out of loneliness and not for the 'right' reasons.
My health is an investment not an expense. This quote has really resonated with me over the last six months. I even have it written on my mirror and see it everyday. Although I loved it, I was at first very hesitant to invest in PT and my nutrition as I worried it was an expense that was not necessary. PT has done wonders for me mentally. I am obsessed with becoming 'better' and improving. In line with this, I have discovered a passion for pushing myself beyond my previously perceived limits and I have continued to surprise myself. As a result of this, it has really been emphasised to me that we are the ones that create the limits for ourselves.
The ones who really care about you will show it and you will not doubt them for a second. I know for most this is a given with family and close friends but this was emphasised to be during kick boxing. My trainer asked me how I was after the break up and I knew he genuinely cared. Rather than pushing me to talk, we spoke about positive thing such as travelling and then he kicked my butt in training. My kind of therapy.
There is something very empowering about the idea that you alone have your future in your own hands. This is something that I have been thinking a lot about the past couple of days as I have had to make a few hard decisions. You can decide who you let into your life, how people think they can treat you, your path and more. Above all though, you can also choose happiness over continued sadness, pain and anger.
Money is not everything. There is no set amount you should have saved by a certain point. What is the point of saving so much if it stops you from living? Obviously don't be stupid with your money but don't be scared to live your life. If today was your last day, your savings would mean nothing. They don't represent your success, value or anything for that matter. Don't be scared to spend your money on things and adventures that will make your soul happy.
Making big decisions is never easy but once you begin working out exactly what you want, making them becomes easier. I thought that next year I had to be a full-time teacher but in my heart, this is not what I want yet. I want to continue being a Teachers Aide and to travel. Next year, I want to live more of my life and continue working on my own development. My Masters is also something I want to complete next year and so this will also be my focus.
Every year one of my goals was to stop over-thinking. Although this is still something I am trying to work on, I have begun to realise that sometimes I over-think for a reason. Sometimes it is my gut telling me that something is not entirely right. Rather than telling myself that this is a bad habit that should be stopped, maybe I should sit there for a bit and actually think about the reasons I am over-analysing something. This has been the case for the past two relationships I have had. I continued getting angry at myself for constantly overthinking but at the end of the day both people were not giving me anything else to work with. I cannot ignore what is.
Having a set plan is not the be all and end all of your life. I used to think that I wanted to be living on my own and married by 25 but this has completely changed. I want to travel the world and if I think realistically about this, is having a mortgage actually appropriate if I am not actually in the country? No. As for having children and being married, I have faith that this will happen when the time is right. I cannot make the time 'right' nor can I force these things to happen. I have learned that if I try to do this, it will not work out in the long run. 99% of the time, it will also be done so out of loneliness and not for the 'right' reasons.
My health is an investment not an expense. This quote has really resonated with me over the last six months. I even have it written on my mirror and see it everyday. Although I loved it, I was at first very hesitant to invest in PT and my nutrition as I worried it was an expense that was not necessary. PT has done wonders for me mentally. I am obsessed with becoming 'better' and improving. In line with this, I have discovered a passion for pushing myself beyond my previously perceived limits and I have continued to surprise myself. As a result of this, it has really been emphasised to me that we are the ones that create the limits for ourselves.
The ones who really care about you will show it and you will not doubt them for a second. I know for most this is a given with family and close friends but this was emphasised to be during kick boxing. My trainer asked me how I was after the break up and I knew he genuinely cared. Rather than pushing me to talk, we spoke about positive thing such as travelling and then he kicked my butt in training. My kind of therapy.
There is something very empowering about the idea that you alone have your future in your own hands. This is something that I have been thinking a lot about the past couple of days as I have had to make a few hard decisions. You can decide who you let into your life, how people think they can treat you, your path and more. Above all though, you can also choose happiness over continued sadness, pain and anger.
Money is not everything. There is no set amount you should have saved by a certain point. What is the point of saving so much if it stops you from living? Obviously don't be stupid with your money but don't be scared to live your life. If today was your last day, your savings would mean nothing. They don't represent your success, value or anything for that matter. Don't be scared to spend your money on things and adventures that will make your soul happy.
Friday, 13 July 2018
I Forgive Myself...
I forgive myself for breaking someone's heart.
I forgive myself for breaking my own heart.
I forgive myself for spending years starving my body.
I forgive myself for spending hours physically harming my body.
I forgive myself for sometimes acting impulsively and not always thinking things through.
I forgive myself for not always putting my mental and physical health first.
I forgive myself for lying and hurting my family.
I forgive myself for constantly overthinking things and never giving my mind a rest.
I forgive myself for putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect.
I forgive myself for previously searching for happiness in another person.
I forgive myself for forgetting what I look for in a partner and settling for less.
I forgive myself for not letting myself relax and just do the things I love such as game, sew, etc.
I forgive myself for allowing non genuine people to enter my life and walk all over me.
I forgive myself for always being so scared of what could go wrong that I stopped taking risks.
I forgive myself for not trying hard enough to combat my anxiety and depression.
I forgive myself for letting myself down over and over again.
I forgive myself for caring so much about people to the point where it nearly destroys me.
I forgive myself for taking 21 years to finally respect myself.
I forgive myself for inhibiting my own self-expression.
I forgive myself for pushing myself to breaking point and making myself sick.
I forgive myself for putting everyone else's well-being and dreams above my own.
I forgive myself for forgetting what I look for in a partner and settling for less.
I forgive myself for not letting myself relax and just do the things I love such as game, sew, etc.
I forgive myself for allowing non genuine people to enter my life and walk all over me.
I forgive myself for always being so scared of what could go wrong that I stopped taking risks.
I forgive myself for not trying hard enough to combat my anxiety and depression.
I forgive myself for letting myself down over and over again.
I forgive myself for caring so much about people to the point where it nearly destroys me.
I forgive myself for taking 21 years to finally respect myself.
I forgive myself for inhibiting my own self-expression.
I forgive myself for pushing myself to breaking point and making myself sick.
I forgive myself for putting everyone else's well-being and dreams above my own.
I forgive myself for everything I am and for everything I am not.
Criteria re-evaluated
By the start of next year, I aim to have most of these crossed off. It won't be easy but I know I can do it!
(Found on edbites.com)
Eating behaviour
Body experience
Does not feel too fat
Has a positive body experience
Somatic criteria
Has no intestinal disturbances
Has no stomach complaints
Skin is not dry
Sleeps normally
Is not often tired
Psychological criteria
Is not extremely perfectionistic
Has a realistic image of herself/himself
Emotional criteria
Is not depressed
Is able to handle negative emotions
Is able to handle conflicts (internal and external)
Social criteria
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