Although we have only just reached the half way mark of the year, this by far as been one of my hardest years. Not only has it been one of the hardest, but it has also been full of the most lessons.
Everything will fall into place.
For many years, mum told me that "eventually everything will fall into place". She said this so often that I stopped believing it. That is, until I finally decided to start taking risks with my career and my personal life. As soon as I started exploring the world outside of my comfort zone, everything started happening! I began working a lot more than I had last year and in the career I have wanted since I was in grade 1. I remember talking to one of my bosses and she told me something that really struck a chord with me:
"If you want something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done".
This is what encouraged me to go out on a limb and tell my boyfriend that I liked him. When I told him, I was just about to start my work shift and so put my phone away and did not check it till afterwards. I was completely shocked by his response and was expecting a very negative reaction, which leads to my next point.
I am not what the bullies of the past made me feel like I was; I am more.
Through everything I have gone through over the past couple of years, I never truly got over the bullying I went through in primary and early high school. Although I have grown in confidence, deep down I still believed what they said about me to be true; that no one would ever want to be with me and that I was unattractive. When my boyfriend told me he liked me back, I was completed flawed. I did not expect that kind of reaction AT ALL. This is still something I am struggling with as, although I love being with him, I am waiting for the day he 'comes to his senses and dumps me'. I know this is stupid and so try to counteract these kinds of thoughts!
This fear is also probably exacerbated by the fact that I feel completely alone at times. Although my family and boyfriend are extremely supportive, sometimes I feel like I am back to square one. I have two uni friends who I trust but other than that my world is pretty small. My best friend of eight years completely turned her back on me and so I think my fear of my boyfriend leaving is also because of that. I completely opened up to her and thought she would be one of my 'forevers'. The lesson learned here is that:
The only person you can rely on is you.
Although lonely a lot of the time, not having my best friend has taught me to find company in myself. I devoted so much of my life and time to our friendship that, in the process, I lost a huge part of myself.
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