Yesterday marked 3 months since I finally chose myself. To say the last couple of months has been hard would be an understatement, but although it has been really challenging, I feel more peace than I have ever felt before. My experience with a narcissist and drug addict made me learn a lot of really hard lessons:
If it doesn't feel right, it isn't:
That uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach is there for a reason - don't ignore it. It is your body telling you that something does not feel right. Your body does not lie - listen to it and let it protect you from 'danger'. If someone gives you mixed messages and makes you question yourself and their intentions, walk away. You do not have to try to decode their messages.
You do not have to force yourself to be okay with anything:
You also do not need to make yourself be okay with certain things - some behaviour is inexcusable and cannot be justified. Cheating, intimidation, manipulation and gaslighting are never okay. You do not have to change your way of thinking or compromise your values to make room for this - do not tolerate people's bad behaviour.
I am capable of looking after myself - I can trust myself to what is right for me:
After spending so long having lots of different people question my actions, opinions and more, I started to not trust myself to make good choices. I began questioning whether or not I was being 'shady' and I started to really struggle to make my own decisions. Over time I became super indecisive and relied on other people to make even simple decisions, such as what cafe to meet at or what to eat.
The people who have the best intentions will be the ones who are there for the 'good' and the 'bad' times:
Sometimes, people will only be around for the good times, but when times get bad run for the hills. Someone who I thought I was very close to me, turned a very negative situation around and blamed me for having a voice. This probably hurt more than what I went through with my ex but I can now look at it with a more positive light and see it for what it is - I dodged a bullet. There had been so many issues with our friendship over the years and for once I finally stood up for myself. He did not react kindly to this and so I realised that he came into my life for a reason.
The good people are doing the best they can:
You can't blame those that care for you for not caring for you 100% in the way that you need at the time. They do not intend to hurt you - what hurts is that they did not meet your expectations. For a multitude of reasons, some people are unable to meet your expectations and so it is important that you do not 'expect' people to do things. For example, I think it is completely valid to expect people to treat you with respect but sometimes, it is not realistic to expect someone to answer your calls when you first break up with an ex. They also have their lives and are also going through their own journeys. When it comes down to it, it is also very important to have your own back and to be your own best friend.
Growing up is hard:
When I was younger, all I wanted to do was grow up and be independent. Although I love living on my own and I still think it was the best decision for me, learning to stand on my own two feet has been challenging. Coming home to an empty apartment can at times feel really lonely; you miss living at home and being a kid. In these times, you ring them and you go over and it is nostalgic. You remember all the good old times fondly but know that this is your life now. Part of growing up is becoming your own person and creating your own life. Your family will always be there.
Life is so good:
After leaving an abusive relationship, I really struggled to see the good in the world. I thought everyone was out to get me and that everyone at the end of the day had bad intentions. But the hopeful part of me knows that this is not true - because at the end of the day, I have a good heart and I am not the only person in the world with one. Thinking that would be incredibly selfish and close-minded of me. There is so much in the world to explore and do. I want to see it all. Life is so good; people are so good.
I am so grateful for all the positive and negative experiences and people that have shaped me into the independent and resilient woman that I am today. I appreciate all my friends and family so much more now than I ever have and I am really flourishing as a result of finally being in control of my own environment and my life. There is so much life again, so much life. And I can't wait to live all of it.
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