The Truth.

Two small words but with a weight behind them. As the new year looms closer each day it has got me thinking. What is the truth? What is 'real'? Before you start thinking I am going insane I would just like to add that by 'real' I mean solid and known. Over the past couple of weeks I have reflected hard on the past year. This year has been one of many tears and lots of laughter. It has been one of many highs, but also just as many lows. 

The sad truth I have come to realise is that I do not know if I will ever get past all my abnormal ways of thinking in regards to food, exercise and body image. Many people tell me I will get past it and live a happy and fulfilling life but others also say it is something I will live with for the rest of my life. I honestly do not know how I feel about this. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who is so 'up and down'? I could be in a happy and confident mood for weeks on end but every now and again I hit my low points where I do not want to get out of bed and where I hate everything about myself. By no means am I saying that I am unlovable. What I am trying to get at is that being with me will not be easy. 

How do I bring up my past without scaring him off? When would be the right time? I know everyone says "you will find the one. The one who will stay and fight with you. The one who will not be easily scared away", but I do not know if I truly believe this. Sure, you could find 'the one' but there is so much one person can handle. I don't think I could ever put myself in such a situation where in which losing someone could completely destroy me. I've been hurt many times by a lot of people but being hurt by 'the one' would kill me. I do not think I could survive it.

The really annoying thing that I can't seem to overcome is the whole exercise thing. I have gotten past the whole 'exercising to lose weight' but I cannot handle the level of exercise I used to do. I do not know if my body just cannot handle it or if it just doesn't want to. I love working out. That is one thing I am sure of. The feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction at having completed a series of Blogilates workouts or having powered through a really intense workout is amazing! I would love to look down and have a really toned body but the thought of putting all my energy into achieving this is tiring in itself. The thought of spending hours and hours working out makes me want to cry. It reminds me of all the hours I spent working out on a starving stomach. 

One thing I have been doing lately is trying hard to eat 'clean' 80% of the time. The only problem I have encountered with this though is that it will be going good for a day or two but then I get hungry. Obviously, this means I need to eat more to sustain my body but I do not know what to eat. I am a big snacker and hate the thought of eating the same thing every single day. I need to create some kind of 'clean' lifestyle board to get me inspired again! 

I shall update you with my progress!