Money is something I am constantly stressing about (even though everyone tells me I have no reason to). I always feel bad about my parents paying for everything for me but thinking about it I realised they pay for my petrol and occassionally for when I go out with friends. At the beginning of the uni semesters, they also very kindly purchase my textbooks. I am very grateful for this but it does not stop me from feeling bad none the less.
I don't want to worry about money anymore. It is something important to always have in the back of your mind but I do not want money to define the way I live or to take up my life. I would rather spend money on making memories and furthering my career than on materialistic things. Don't get me wrong, I love shopping! In the next couple of weeks I need to purchase 'professional' clothes for placement and at first I was freaking out! Even though I have money in my account and I work, the thought of my money going down, even if a little bit, makes me feel really anxious! I do not know why but it does - this is something I am trying to work on as I work hard for my money and feel I should 'allowed' to purchase things for myself every now and again!
Something that has been on my mind the last couple of weeks is the idea of friendship. Everyone always has these huge expectations on life-long friendships but no offense, I am starting to think they do not exist. In my primary school, I had a friend who I thought would be my 'best friend forever'. We did everything together all the time. When high school came around I started to realize how false she actually was. We had been friends for about eight years! That ended and over my high school years I became really close with a girl in my class. It took us ages to warm up to each other as we both find it hard to trust people, but after a while we became inseparable. We did everything together and told each other everything; unlike my primary school friend, she actually treated me well! I remember writing in her card one time "you have shown me what true friendship is". When high school ended everything started to go downhill though.
She began distancing herself and criticizing every aspect of my life. I made a lot of effort to organize to see her around uni and work but it was always on her time. It wasn't until halfway through the year, I found out she had been hanging out with a girl we had been friends with a couple of years ago. She was so nasty to myself and my family before she left in high school to go to another school and so I never really made an effort to talk to her. Her mum hated my mum and I as we are quite outspoken and honest. Anyways, I was kind of shocked that she had been hanging out with her as we had had so many conversations about her over the years and I thought we were on the same page. I did not care she was hanging out with her but it was the secrecy that got to me. I let it go but over the last six months of last year little things kept happening over and over again. She would constantly lie about everything and would be completely quiet when we would go out to do things. For her birthday we went to the beach with my sisters for two days and the whole time she was nasty. She made me drive out to get ice cream, then she made me drive out to get her lollies and she was constantly criticizing everything about me. My sister even made comment about it to me in private. The whole time I wanted to go home.
The thing is, I have a thick skin. I do not usually let people get to me, but she was different. Around her I felt so vulnerable. After a while, I started distancing myself. It was not until yesterday that I got 133 missed texts from my high school group chat about a 'birthday party' of the girl she has been hanging out with. I got really pissed off - not because I wasn't invited (I could not care less), but because said girl had the decency to talk about it for hours on group chat, knowing I was in it. Everyone else seemed to be going to this party apart from me. It made me realize just how fragile friendships can be. Similar things have been happening with my sister's friendship group and she was going through the exact same situation with one of her closest friends. We had invited her friend into the family; last year she spent Christmas with us and she even went on our New Year's camping trip. During that camping trip, my friend was so cold towards me and kept complaining. Anyways, like with my friend, my family and I thought my sister's friend was a great person but she ended up doing some really shitty things and then dropping off the face of the Earth. She does not like confrontation and so caused stuff and then more or less bolted.
All of this has gotten me thinking about friendships - I do not know if I have lost all faith in long-lasting friendships, but what I do know is that the only thing that is forever is family. Majority of my family we do not talk to as they are horrible people but my parents and my sisters I am super close to. I have met some amazing people at uni who seem really genuine but I honestly do not know. I thought me and my friend from high school were like family but she ended up turning into something I don't even recognize...I just don't know anymore. There are people around me who have twenty year friendships and their friends are turning their backs on them! Is there such things as genuine and life-long friendships? I don't know anymore. I just feel like, what is the point in making friends if it is all just eventually going to end?
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