A Broken Heart...But A New Beginning

So much has been happening in my life over the past five months. Most of it has been amazing but behind closed doors, a big part of it has been completely heartbreaking. Generally, I am a happy and bubbly person but many nights when I have had time to think I cry myself to sleep. The truth is, I have a broken heart. Before you start assuming, no, I did not break up with a boyfriend. It was worse. I lost who I thought was not only my best friend, but who was also like a sister to me. 

Throughout my high school years, I went through some really tough times. During this very challenging period of my life, I met a girl who I became good friends with. In the beginning, I was constantly questioning myself. I would come home and say to mum "(friend) is giving me the silent treatment. I have no idea what I did wrong!". This went on for the first year or so of our friendship and I did not feel very close to her. During the years of my eating disorder and when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, we became inseparable. She was constantly by my side and we were always at each others' houses. Our families became super close and our friendship blossomed. 

I remember think every now and again "This is what friendship is supposed to feel like". In her eighteenth birthday card I even wrote things like "You have shown me what true friendship is and I will forever be grateful". It was during this point I started opening up to her more and thinking about it now, I realized I was in a very vulnerable position. I devoted so much of my life to our friendship and spending time with her that I lost who I was in the process. It is only now when I have had time to reflect on the past seven and a half years that I have realized this was happening. 

Last year, we both started uni and I made a lot of friends. I absolutely loved my course and the people in it but she did not like her course. Flash forward six months and she had dropped out of two different courses and had no idea what she was doing. I tried to be there for her but at the same time I was going through a lot. I made some really stupid decisions and hurt a lot of people - last year was a time of my life I am not proud of and I will continue to live my life trying to make it up to my family for all the things I put them through. I came out the other end of all of this a completely changed person. I started working and really focusing on my studies. I began to turn my life around and started setting myself goals. 

At the same time all of this was happening, (friend) started becoming really secretive and she did a complete 360 in terms of her personality and her behaviours. She started hanging out with people she had previously 'bashed' to me. People she had previously thought were nasty and fake she was associating with. I did not say anything as, although I did not like and still do not like a certain girl she was always with, I was not about to stop her from hanging out with whoever she wanted. Over the span of 2015, she started criticizing everything I did and I never felt like I was good enough. I worked harder and put more effort into our friendship but it felt forced and I genuinely did not enjoy my time with her anymore. During the time I was making really stupid decisions, she made it sound like she was the victim in it and that I would have to work for her forgiveness and trust again. I understand that I lied to her; I lied to my fucking family as well. 

We were fine for a while after this but it all came to a standstill for me in December when we stayed in a cabin at the beach for her birthday. Although we only stayed there for one night, I did not enjoy one second of it and wanted to go home. The whole time she was rude and made me run around getting things for her. Before the trip, I was so excited for it and mum and I went out and bought inflatable boats and donuts, and heaps of food. At the beach, she made me pull her around on the boat and then walked out with it once she had had enough. I asked for it back because I wanted to use it, to which she responded "You are not allowed to use it because you might drift off to sea". We were in knee-deep water; I was not going to float anywhere. She also went against my mum who I thought she respected and drove my car to the shops. I did not know what to do as she already walked out with my keys.  It was not until I got home that I found out my sister had said to mum "I felt really sorry for Bec when we were at the cabin; she was so mean to her". This made me really sad because it had started to become visible to other people. 

I gave her space for a couple of weeks but we were still in constant communication over Christmas and even went on a family camping trip. My sisters friends also came and we made it a massive event. The whole time she was completely quiet and was outright nasty to me when no one was around. I distinctly remember walking into the tent and saying hi. To this she said absolutely nothing and walked out. Like what happened at the cabin, it was not until I got home that I found out dad had said to mum that she was in a really weird mood and was always having digs at me. She even had digs at dad and complained countless times about his cooking. She never helped us clean up and just sat around doing nothing - this was very uncharacteristic of her seeing as she was usually one to help out and 'get her hands dirty'. After that is when the complete silence began. I texted her on her first day of uni wishing her the best of luck. She responded with a massive message about herself and did not say anything about myself starting uni. Up until the 10th of March when we went out to dinner, I had not heard anything from her. 

She invited my sisters and myself out to dinner. Sarah and I ended up going and we ended up waiting half an hour for her to get there. When she arrived she said she was not that hungry because she had eaten before she left. I found this very strange as she always made a big deal about going out to eat. We did not talk that much during the dinner; she mainly talked about herself. When we got home Sarah said to me I was lucky she came because it would have been very awkward seeing as she mainly spoke with her. I have not heard from her since that night. It was been over two months. I have tried texting her countless times but with no response. The other day I even went on Facebook but she logged off straight away. 

 

Mum has always said to me that everything will eventually fall into place. Over the past six months she has been absolutely correct. Once I started working and I was in a more positive mindset I realized I was still missing one thing though; a partner. I wanted more than anything to share my life with someone. Over the past two months I realized that I had strong feelings for one of my really good uni mates. I acted on these feelings and he reciprocated them. I was completely shocked as when I told him I liked him I was expecting something like "ew, I do not like you in that way you freak". Fast forward a month after telling him how I feel and we are now together. Even though he brings so much happiness and laughter to my life, it kills me that at the same time I lost my best friend. Everything fell into place but my best friend of seven and a half years had no part in this. 

This morning I had a long talk with mum about forgiving and forgetting and I feel like the relationship I have now with my boyfriend began as a result of beginning to forgive her. In all honesty, my heart is really heavy. I feel like I have broken up with someone; my heart is completely shattered. In a way, I guess I have broken up with someone -  she was my 'partner in crime' for over seven years.

The thing I am most proud of out of all of this is the fact that, although I have and am still hurting, I am not doubting myself. I know that I did nothing wrong to her. This being said though, it still kills me that she could just walk away like that. At first I was in denial over what was happening but then I became really angry at both myself and her. I was angry at myself for putting myself in a vulnerable situation with someone and I was angry at her for doing what she did. After the anger came sadness and depression. I started thinking things that I had trained myself not to think of and I felt myself spiraling out control. I also began feeling the temptation to be reckless. During this time, the only thing that got me through this was thinking about my family and my work. I did not want to hurt my family any more than I had and I was also loving my jobs. 

Over the past two weeks I have been watching a woman on Youtube called Nikki Blakketter. I first discovered her through her 'Breakup' video where she talked about her breakup with her long-term boyfriend. This video really struck a chord with me as it was exactly how I was feeling about my best friend. In her video she was saying how he fell out of love with her and stopped valuing her as a person. Even though, my best friend and I were not in love, I still felt like she was not as committed to our friendship and just gave up. I know I got myself out of the depression that my best friend caused but Nikki also helped me immensely. Without her video, I would not have truly understood how I was feeling.

For anyone interested, this is the 'Breakup' video I mentioned above:

I will never ever forget what she did to me. All I can do now is focus on my work, studies and relationship with my friends, family and boyfriend. Starting this relationship has been scary for me as I feel really vulnerable. As much as I love the idea of being with him and meeting his family, I am scared of being hurt again. This being said though, I do not want what happened with my best friend to get in the way of something that could potentially be amazing. 

He constantly makes me laugh and he is honestly, the nicest man I have ever met. Rather than constantly complimenting me to the point of it losing significance, he is sweet and his actions speak louder than words. We are so similar in so many ways and have been through similar things. I feel a very strong connection with him and I hope this goes somewhere! It is both scary and exciting! Here's to a new chapter of my life! 

*Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any of the above images - sourced from Pinterest.com*