Since having lots of time to think due to being sick, I have come to realise that over the past couple of years I have really half-assed both my mental, physical and emotional health. I remember saying things like "I am trying really hard" but making countless Pinterest collages of positive quotes just won't cut it. This year has been one of the hardest years yet for a variety of reasons. Unlike 'old me', I have taken a lot of risks that at the time I did not know were risks. I began making a lot of big decisions for myself rather than constantly worrying about whether my choices were bringing other people happiness.
A relationship that I had previously thought would last forever ended. This was my decision and although at the time I handled the situation poorly, I now realise this had to happen. I also jumped in to a relationship with someone from my past and through this very short period, I realised that I had changed so much. This 'fling' was not what I thought it would be and he did not make me happy at all. This also ended by me and I was so proud of myself for it. Although I hate the thought of hurting people, I love the person these experiences transformed me into. I began to realise that I do not need anyone to make me happy and I yearned to be single and live my life for me. That was the first time I had ever thought like that - it was unfamiliar but I was very excited.
I also decided to book a Topdeck tour for the end of the year. Travelling is something I have always loved but I always used money as an excuse. After the breakups, I felt empowered and I began to think "what happens if I die tomorrow? My money saved won't mean a thing." Fast forward a week and I had paid my $200 deposit and began organising it. I am beyond excited for this at the end of the year! Previously, I did not think I would have the chance to do this because I was so focused on thinking of what made my past partners happy.
Towards the start of the year I experienced romantic heart break but nothing prepared me for the heart break that was to come. On 27th July, my baby boy passed away. I got a call at work from my mum saying he had cancer and that we had to put him down the next day. That Thursday and Friday were hands down the worst days of my life so far. Although now I know grief is a normal, I had only ever experienced it on that occasion and also when my other dog passed away last year. The pain I felt when he was put down I could not deal with. I completely shut down and disassociated myself from what had happened. It is still something that I struggle to think about and I am still working on coping strategies for dealing with it. This experience really taught me to appreciate your loved ones and never take them for granted. I spend more time playing with my cats and making sure they are happy.
Anyone who knows me will know I suck at being sick. I am the worst person to be around because although I hate to complain, I become really anxious and talk about my symptoms all day everyday. Although I know it is not helpful, I get so anxious that something bad will happen and so I try to mentally prepare myself. Since being diagnosed with Glandular Fever and having no choice but to stop and rest, it has given me the opportunity to reevaluate everything. I have watched a lot of The Originals and something that was said really resonated with me (I have forgotten who said it). It was about constantly being on the defence and fighting your inner demons but never actually stopping to think what you are fighting for. It made me think: What Am I Fighting For? I just want to be happy. Since then, I decided to work harder at making this happen - I am really trying to practise self-care and love and listen to my body. This year, although I was eating clean and training hard at the gym, I stopped looking after myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Anyone who knows me would also know that I have an obsessive personality and so I feel like making intentions and focusing on taking care of myself is much more important and beneficial than being obsessed in the gym. I have had to change my perspective and I am so excited to see how this goes.
A couple of weeks ago I asked one of my friends how they thought I had changed this year. She told me I have more of a 'go get em' ' attitude and that I strive to attain what I want out of life more. I have also come to realise that for the first time in forever, I like who I am and I have become very protective of myself. I want to stay single and live my life - I don't want to let anyone get in the way of me living my dreams and I know this is my time to be selfish and live for myself.
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